When a movie goes off the rails I try to do what Roger Ebert says, and imagine the elevator pitch that got it approved. The pitch for The Stand In might have been “Trading Places meets Death To Smoochy,” or maybe “All About Eve meets Dave.” Come to think of it, either of those look like amazing ideas compared to this strange film about two look-alikes who change places. Continue reading “Review: ‘The Stand In’ is Nothing But a Shallow Hollywood Satire”
Underwater is the latest of the Fox films to be released after Disney’s acquisition of the company, stuck in limbo and put out to die in months like January. Unfortunately, the is a case when this treatment is warranted; Underwater should sink back to where it came from. This wannabe horror film barely rises to the level of a B thriller movie. Its problems are numerous; weak acting, an even weaker trope-filled script, and an oversized budget with an inexperienced director to boot. Underwater lacks what it takes to be relevant when the horror genre has shown us it could be so much more than cheap thrills and jump scares.
Underwater features an ensemble cast, starring Kristen Stewart, veteran actor Vincent Cassel, Jessica Henwick, John Gallagher Jr., Mamoudou Athie, and T.J. Miller. The disgraced actor’s inclusion here clearly dates the film as it had its principal photography finished in mid-2017, long-gestating in a post-production hell. The cast leads us through a plot devoid of any message or theme, pulled along only on the minimal tension brought about by the question of whether or not anyone will survive the contrived mess.
This film couldn’t even bother with a proper beginning and ending, opting instead for hectic newspaper montages that bookend the ninety-five minutes of footage. The cast is meant to be portraying mechanics and engineers, but almost all look too young to have even graduated college. Certainly none of them demonstrate their superior intellect at any point during the plot. In any case, if they did, there wouldn’t be a movie. Stewart and Henwick are the only two with anything to do in the story, with Henwick surprisingly being the standout between the two. Between this and Charlies Angels (2019), I can’t say for certain if Stewart just needs a new agent or if she ever really did break out of her Twilight days. Vincent Cassel phones in his performance and the rest aren’t even of note, as in some cases, they are literally unconsciousness for over half the movie.
The plot is the same forgettable recycled drama that every film wanting to capture what Alien did in 1979 has used for the past forty-one years. It’s tired and predictable every step of the way, every beat being painfully telegraphed beforehand. Quite honestly, I’m not sure if this movie has a single unique element. This is only Eubank’s third directorial outing and it shows; the thirty-seven-year-old director clearly hasn’t had experience managing a budget of this size and I’m not sure where the eighty million dollars went sometimes.
Although I’ve spent the review largely defaming this production, it isn’t offensively bad and it definitely won’t make you fall asleep. You likely won’t leave feeling offended, but more of an empty feeling as if you’ve just wasted your time. This movie doesn’t ruin anything else, it just doesn’t have anything new to offer. The new decade is off to a rough start; it’d be better to skip Underwater and catch up on any of the Oscar nominated films you may have missed from last year.
2.5/5 STARS