Posted on by mal0105

How To Say “No” Without Crying: A Gentle Guide to Boundary Setting

Are you a serial people-pleaser? Do you say yes to every favor and request even when you are screaming “no!” internally? Do you over commit to events until your calendar is a minefield of stress? And, put everyone else’s needs before your own out of guilt and anxiety about letting people down?

If you said “yes” to any of the questions above, don’t worry, you are not alone! I’ve been there before but I made it out and I’m here to tell you what I’ve learned!

Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of self-care, but it’s not always easy. While being generous and accommodating is admirable, it is important to set healthy boundaries to protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Saying “no” can be challenging, especially when it involves family, friends, or colleagues at work and when you don’t want to disappoint others or are afraid of conflict or rejection. However, not establishing boundaries can lead to burnout, resentment, and enabling unhealthy behaviors. 

So let me present to you some handy-dandy step-by-step tips for implementing healthy boundaries in your life today:

Step 1: Know Yourself & Your Needs

Before you can start saying no, you need to get clear on your needs, priorities, and limits. Take some time to reflect on the following questions:

  • What makes you feel energized vs. drained? What tends to be your warning signs of overwhelm?
  • Which commitments and obligations feel nourishing and which feel depleting?
  • What are your top priorities in terms of your time, energy, and mental space?
  • What are your signs of overwhelm? Do you procrastinate, get irritable, or have trouble sleeping?
  • How much time do you need for rest, alone time, and self-care to function at your best?

Get to know your own limits well. Tune into your feelings and physical signs when you’ve taken on too much. Knowing your boundaries will make it easier to uphold them!

Step 2: Take the Necessary Time to Decide

When someone asks you to do something and you feel uncertain, don’t feel pressured to respond on the spot. Use phrases like:

  • “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
  • “Would it be okay if I took some time to think it over?”
  • “Can I let you know next week?”

Giving yourself time prevents you from making hasty decisions that overextend you. It also allows you to consult your priorities list above before committing.

Gentle Reminder: Communication is key. People, unfortunately, don’t see all the things on your metaphorical plate – so let them know and ask questions! Ex. “Hey, I would love to work on (task) currently I was prioritizing (a,b,c) would like me to make this a high priority, or can it wait until (estimated availability?) 

Step 3: Practice Saying No (Small Steps Are Still Steps)

The actual act of saying “no” can feel very uncomfortable, especially if you are not used to establishing boundaries. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations to build up your confidence. 

For example, the next time a store employee offers you a receipt you don’t want and will most likely shove deep down in your bag or pocket, politely decline. Or if a friend invites you to an event you’re not interested in attending because you would rather lay around at home, try saying you’ll pass this time. The more you practice, the easier it will get – you can do this alone, with strangers, or with a trusted friend/family member. 

Step 4: Say No with Compassion

When you decline a request, do so with empathy and compassion. Start with an appreciation for the person and why they asked. For example, “Thank you so much for thinking of me. I’m honored you would ask.” Then explain your reason for saying no – whether you don’t have the capacity or it doesn’t fit in with your current priorities. End by expressing care and confidence in them. For example, “You’re very talented, I know you’ll do great on your own.” or “I’m looking forward to catching up once things slow down” or “I’m happy to help you brainstorm other options.” Being caring reduces the chances of hurt feelings.

Step 5: Propose Alternatives

Where appropriate, offer alternative solutions. Could you do a smaller part of the task or commit for a shorter time period? ex. “I can’t take on another project right now, but I’m happy to provide feedback on your proposal.” Providing options demonstrates you care about the person and their needs, you just can’t meet the original request.

Step 6: Don’t Apologize or Over-Explain

Resist the urge to excessively apologize or justify your decision when saying no. State your decline of the request simply and directly. Avoid vague excuses that leave room for negotiation. Lengthy explanations also inadvertently convey guilt and encourage the other person to try convincing you. Saying no gets easier with practice. While establishing boundaries, remember your needs and well-being deserve priority too. Say no with purpose, clarity, and compassion – both for others and yourself!

Gentle Reminder: “No” is a complete sentence. You are not required to explain every no. “No” on its own is justification enough.

Step 7: Reflect on Progress

Change takes time. Reflect on what went well and where you still struggled after starting to set boundaries. Adjust your approach accordingly. If saying no to a close friend is still hard, practice more casual conversations with strangers or acquaintances first. Setting boundaries takes practice, but it is crucial for your health and relationships. Don’t be afraid to take care of yourself first. The people who care about you will understand and respect your needs!

Gentle Reminder: Thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say. You’re doing so amazing and I’m so proud of you! <3

I believe in you – you are capable of great things – good luck!!

Mal Ashraf | She/Her | Student Circulation Specialist

Resources from our Life Skills Section:

Communicate better with everyone. (2021). Harvard Business Review Press.

Manson, M. (2016). The subtle art of not giving a fuck : a counterintuitive approach to living a good life (First edition.). HarperOne.

Gazipura, A. (2017). Not nice : stop people pleasing, staying silent, & feeling guilty … and start speaking up, saying no, asking boldly, and unapologetically being yourself. B.C. Allen Publishing & Tonic Books.

Additional Helpful Articles:

How to Set Boundaries: 5 Ways to Draw the Line Politely

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

14 Ways To Practice Self-Care at Work (And Why It Matters)

Learning to Say No: Six Methods You Can Use

Creating a Culture of Self-Care in the Workplace

How to Say No To Others With Confidence and Ease

Posted on by vuukat

Stress, Self-Care, and Balance in College

When in college, you may find it a challenge to take a break for yourself. Some students find it difficult to have an outlet because of the constant urge to work or complete important tasks. Balancing out responsibilities should not be a constant hassle for students; by planning ahead and being efficient with your time can make things easier to handle.

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My Personal Experience

In Freshman Year of college, I knew this was the perfect time to find out what I am passionate about; I was not stressed about time management, my work and class schedules were perfectly balanced, and I was able to rest during my long weekends. Everything went well, until I transitioned into Sophomore Year. I would never have imagined how much of a challenge time management would become for me.

Sophomore Year became a personal struggle, considering I had full class schedules, weekly work shifts, and an officer position in Vietnamese Student Association (VSA). I truly thought I was someone who was capable to balance everything on a plate. Turns out I was the opposite; I became exhausted after days of work and no break. Because it was difficult for me to balance everything on my shoulders, I gave up my personal time just to get my tasks completed, including time in my sleep schedule and in my social life. Different things in my agenda would stack up and I was unable to take some time to even sit down and rest.

By accepting the reality of having a difficult time balancing my schedule, I was able to learn and grow from this experience and test out different methods of stress relieving and schedule planning. One hobby that I found fun and helpful was bullet journaling. I like to think of it as a DIY planner where you get to decide what format or design to have. The reason why I enjoy bullet journaling is because it allows me to make use of my passion in drawing while prioritizing my schedule every week. For more information,  here is a helpful guide on how to start your own bullet journal! By incorporating your passions with schedule organization, you are able to not only enjoy what you do but also have fun with planning out your days!

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Tips!

Here are some things to consider or to try when you are stressed or when you think you are unable to find time for yourself:

  1. Do not think that you have no time to rest. Your mind might tell you that, but your body might say otherwise so remember to listen to your body
  2. Set aside time for free time with your friends, your family, or even yourself. Don’t let your responsibilities be the only things you’d be doing every week.
  3. Make time for the things you enjoy doing, whether it be hobbies or passions!
  4. Seek out opportunities that enable yourself to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. Staying inside can create a lack of motivation or even increase your levels of fatigue, so having some time just to go outside can help reduce stress and wake you up!
  5. Use a planner or schedule organizer! I find it easier to balance my time out by writing out what priorities must be completed within the week.
  6. If your schedule restrain you from resting, try to rearrange your agenda or even communicate with your team or your supervisors in request for time off.
  7. If you are on campus, there are always different events and activities that can help you de-stress and enjoy so keep an eye out on promotions (especially towards the end of the quarter!)
    • An example of an activity you can do during Finals Week is de-stressing with coloring in the library!

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Don’t force yourself to constantly go on a workflow. Although some people may seem to think that they can handle the amount of work given, everyone deserves a break at some point. I learned that despite my motivation to continuously stand up and do something, it isn’t bad to stop and find time to rest. Of course, everyone does have different experiences with stress or time management so make sure to test out what methods are helpful for you and take time for your well-being!

 

Posted on by Jolene Truong

Helpful preventative actions to avoid getting sick

Have you ever wondered why they call fall and winter the “sick seasons”? It’s because when our internal body temperature drops due to cold weather, germs are likelier to thrive and increase the probability of catching a cold. Being on a small campus like UWB/CC, people getting sick can spread like wildfire. On top of getting your annual flu shot, here are some preventive actions that you can take to avoid getting sick this season:

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Hygiene

Sicknesses that are most common on college campuses like the common cold and the flu are spread by coming in contact with someone who is already sick. Practicing and building hygienic habits can save you in the long run.

  • Wash your hands frequently in order to stop the spreading germs. Carrying hand sanitizer is very helpful.
  • Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth with dirty hands.
  • Wash your bedding every two weeks and immediately after you’ve been sick.
  • Don’t share any food or drinks with others so that you don’t give each other whatever sickness is going around.
  • Keep a clean space. Dust harbors millions of microscopic bugs that can make you sick.
  • Remember to cover your coughs and wear a medical face mask when needed.

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Eat right

A balanced diet that gives you the nutrients you need to boost your immune system is a vital part in preventing you from getting sick, but for when you do catch something nasty, your body begins to battle through the sickness throughout the day. Eating the right foods can help restore its energy and have you feeling better quicker.

  • Chicken soup – This classic remedy is full of nutrients like vitamins and protein that are essential to your body’s recovery.
  • Herbal tea – A hot cup of tea can help with congestion and you can also add honey to help soothe a sore throat.
  • Ginger – Eating ginger can reduce nausea and it has an effect to make you feel warm. You can cut up pieces of ginger and mix it into hot water or cook it in with soup.
  • Orange juice – Orange juice is packed with vitamin C that helps your immune system. If you want to try something different, freeze the orange juice and eat it as shaved ice or a popsicle.

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Sleep

This is essential. When you’re sick, your body needs sleep now more than ever. If you’ve noticed that you feel even more tired and sleepy than usual, that’s your body giving you a sign to go to bed. During sleep is when your body does the most fighting and recovering so in order for you to get over your sickness, get enough rest. The recommended hours of sleep for adults is 7 to 9 hours.

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Survival items

You never know when you’ll start feeling sick so it is best to be prepared by carrying some essential items in your bag. If you find yourself coming down with something while on campus, most of the items listed are sold at the University Book Store located inside Food for Thought Cafe.

  • Water
  • Hand sanitizer
  • Mini tissue packs
  • Pain relievers like Advil and Tylenol
  • Cough drops
  • Emergen-C packets

References

“5 Ways to Prevent Getting Sick as Weather Transitions.” GoHealth Urgent Care, 22 Nov. 2017, www.gohealthuc.com/library/5-ways-prevent-getting-sick-weather-transitions.
Jones, Taylor. “The 15 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Sick.” Healthline, 17 June 2016, www.healthline.com/nutrition/15-best-foods-when-sick.
Rossen, Jeff, and Jovanna Billington. “Dust in Your Home Can Make You Sick: Here’s How to Fight It.” Today, 27 Apr. 2017, www.today.com/health/dust-your-home-can-make-you-sick-here-s-how-t110831.